Life's Twists and Turns

Life is full of surprises and twists and turns and it seems that I never wind up exactly where I was planning on going. When I left teaching in 2002, I always thought I'd go back to it, one day, way down the road. However, I thought that it would be years and years and years because I never dreamed that we'd move away from McDonough and I never in a million years thought that we'd move back to our hometown!!! In my plans, our life would continue on pretty much as was, Phil working a nice 9 to 5 type job that he truly enjoyed and I would be at home raising the babies. What turns my life has taken in the last 7 years! I never dreamed that Phil would wind up owning/working his butt off for four or five different companies. I never dreamed that he would wind up farming thus meaning that I would be a farmer's wife. I mean when we dated I made it perfectly clear that farming was not the life for me!!! The hours, the uncertainty, the highs and lows...that is not something I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I am so very, very happy that there are people out there who love to farm. I mean where would we be without them??? But that's not my life! Well, the Lord has surely shown me that my plans are not HIS plans and that I better get with HIS program. Phil is currently farming hay in our hometown, the job and location that I never would have picked ten years ago. However, I can look back and certainly see God's grace in all the twists and turns that have lead us here and I can say with 100% certainty that there is no place I would rather be. A few weeks ago another new chapter, another turn took place in our lives. I went back to teaching. I know with absolute certainty that I am absolutely where God placed me. I adored being a stay at home mom. It is absolutely the best job in the world! However, now that my children are growing I wanted something more...a connection to people, to feel as though I was making a difference in the world, and most definitely stability. When I first began looking for a teaching position, several people suggested the small Christian school that Trey was attending. I brushed it off because if I was going back to work then I certainly needed to make x amount and we definitely needed insurance, and the list went on. But God was at work in my heart and once I started listening to Him I realized that there was no place that I would want to be other than that very Christian school. It took some time, but I finally landed right where God had intended me to be the whole time. I love the environment, I love the people, and I am really enjoying 4th grade! It is so different than where I was before Trey came along and I am truly happy. However, there are so many feelings of guilt too. Since I am now in the classroom it means that I will miss out on field trips, class parties, and all the "room mom" type stuff. I will miss that and I feel guilty about it. Jesse has not had an easy time making the adjustment from being with Mommy all day to going to school. He cries and whines and says he doesn't like school at all. It makes me feel oh so very guilty. However reading my daily devotions definitely helps. It's so funny isn't it, that they always seem to be speaking directly to me and a situation that I'm facing. One last week stated "As a mom, I have an opportunity to bring out the best in my children. But it consistently means I have to bring out the best in me." Now this particular devotion wasn't talking about me going back to work. It was trying to show how as moms we can't model one behavior, such as impatience, and expect our children to learn an opposite behavior. I must also admit here that I don't always take the time to read my daily devotions and I probably would have skipped right past this one except that my sister-in-law posted the prayer on her facebook page and also blogged about it's impact on her. And folks, lightening struck! Being the best teacher that I can be, surrounded by eager young minds that I can help shape and mold both intellectually and SPIRITUALLY while working with a wonderful, loving Christian staff most certainly brings out the BEST IN ME!!! And that means that I shouldn't be having these feelings of guilt! Okay, all us moms know that the feelings of guilt never truly go away, but if I am exactly where I am supposed to be, fulfilling God's plan for my life and I'm also consistently bringing out the best in me, then doesn't that mean that I am being the Mommy that I am supposed to be??? I think so! So while the feelings of guilt still linger, and are sometimes quite strong (I was in tears before leaving the house this morning after listening to Jesse tell us how much he didn't like school for at least an hour!) I have the power through our Lord and Saviour to move past those feelings and know that I am doing the best possible job that I can for my family and it's the job that God has intended for me all along. I'll leave you today, after my long and windy monologue, with the devotional prayer from that day. It is one that I needed, and I hope somewhere in all of this that I have inspired and/or helped one of you!

Dear Lord, thank You for calling me to be the mother of my children. I confess that at times I fall far short of where I want to be in this area of my life. I know I can't do this high calling of motherhood without Your Spirit within me. Help me to submit my selfish will to Your perfect way. Thank You for loving me and seeing my potential to grow and change. In Jesus' Name, Amen